I'm standing, rather awkwardly, atop my not-so high heels, feeling them pinch into the sides of my small but unfortunately wide feet, nevertheless singing along to the barely audible music coming from the store across the hallway from the boutique where I am working, moving my feet and feeling rather good that I am here; my navy and white striped dress clings to the black pantyhose I am wearing, and I have to shimmy it down every once in a while, rather gracelessly I'm afraid. Smiling at every passerby, hoping that someone will come in and buy SOMEthing, ANYthing, I notice a couple looking into the shop, and so I say 'Bonjour' with my biggest smile. They both smile back from within the confines of their bundled forms and ask me whether or not we have any white dresses. Their question takes me a little aback seeing as it is about minus 40 degrees outside with the windchill and all I would want to shop for today would be hats, gloves and scarves. Nevertheless, they accompany me into the midst of the European clothing maelstrom that is Mode Tout Aller. I show them a beige dress, and she seems ok with it, peering at it with her light blue eyes and so I ask my heavy-set boss Lucie whether or not it could be dyed white. Seeing her confusion, the man begins to explain why they are looking for a white dress in the first place, and so here is their lovely story they chose to reveal to us on that chilly and winterlorn Thursday morning.
''Et bien, tu vois, nous cherchons une seconde robe de mariage pour la deuxieme partie de notre mariage. La premiere robe a déjà été choisit et la je vais vous compter notre concept.''
''Oui, la premiere robe c'est la robe de ma mere qu'elle est en train de modifier pour moi,'' The strawberry blonde and purple-clad glasses woman interjects, her pale blue eyes lighting up from within and a huge grin plastering her pale face.
''Donc, pour la premiere partie de la ceremonie, nous allons faire un trajet dans la bouette sur des quatre par quatre - elle va etre dans sa robe de marier, moi dans mon habit, avec des bottes de pluie...''
I am assuming at this point that my smiling face and bewildered eyes speak for themselves since the Young-looking woman adds, ''Ma mere est au courant que sa robe de marier va etre completement trasher, et c'est ca un peu l'idee car ce mariage n'a pas durer...''
The long, two-toned coloured haired man turns to Lucie and begins to explain, ''Tu vois, la vie c'est comme un parcours dans la bouette, et le mariage aussi... parfois, c'est elle qui va me guider dans la bouette de la vie, par dessous les cotes et les roches, et d'autres fois ca va etre moi qui va l'aider...''
He turns towards me and continues, his eyes shining with the love he feels for his beaming fiance, ''Y'a différents mariages de nos jours: civil que nous ne voulions pas car nous sommes pas vraiment conformistes, religieux qui ne rentre pas dans nos idees non plus, et le mariage symbolique que nous avons choisit.''
My eyes unwillingly well with tears as I think of my own past love stories and how I had pictured my life as being different than what it is at this moment in time... in a lot of ways, my life is BETTER than what it could have been. Had I married the man who contributed at least physically to making my beautiful son, our life, that of me and my son, would not have been what it is now, which is, despite mommy's human failures and mistakes, a lot less miserable than what it would have been WITH Zach's sperm-donor of a father.
Finally, Lucie pulls down a very simple yet oh-so-perfect white dress that fits the couple's simple yet romantic style... the soon-to-be bride prances into the dressing room and exits looking as gorgeous as a Grecian goddess of times past. The top part of the dress hugs her with all of its little ripples and pleats and the thick and lacy straps add a respectable hint of modesty; the flowing bottom half of the dress swooshes around the beloved's hips and flows to the ground, ending with some old-fashioned lace that will of course need to be hemmed, given the young lady's small stature.
Lucie decides to lower the price of the dress after seeing the woman's happiness. She even offers to go with her to the tailor's in order to see what can be done to shorten the lovely dress that will complete the rest of the couple's wedding day during the second half of their ceremony that will take place in a more traditional restaurant setting.
After we have exchanged a little more conversation, they leave hand in hand, and I marvel that any Young couple of today would choose to get married - and yet, my romantic heart beats a little quicker since it has not become SO jaded that it has completely given up on the idea that a happy mariage can be experienced by two loving parties... I wish those two all of the happiness in the world and may they guide each other through all of life's valleys, hills, rivers, mudslides, puddles, mountains and caves, but may they also walk lovingly hand in hand when fortune decides to shine on their union and their love.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
2013: A Retrospective Glance
Yet another year has passed me by, at first seeming as though it would never end, and then whizzing past me like the Metro when I have just breathlessly run down the stairs and missed it... I've gone through the wringer not once, but again and again more than just a few times, like a well-worn flannel shirt wrung through those ancient laundry devices, pressed and flattened to take out all of the moisture, and yet in my case, it has been my essence instead of water, leaking and oozing out through the fibres of my skin onto the freezing, unforgiving and bare floor. I built myself up again by gathering the shattered pieces of my soul, and yet I blindly let myself be toppled over by others or foolishly blew my own castle of cards down in desperation or hopelessness... a female version of Humpty Dumpty that has not quite been mended after her great fall...
I thought I had my shit figured out, and yet queries as to who I am and what it is that I need and want, which are two VERY different and often opposing forces, still rattle within the confines of my skull...
The things I DID accomplish shall now be viewed instead of the many mistakes I have made along this often frightening journey we wise humans have named Life...
I have unfolded into and filled my role as the mother, albeit not without many growing pains, I had once dreamed I would actually be and I am very proud of myself for this. Of course, I am NOT perfect, and no mother is, despite what many mommy's boys shall loyally insist upon about their own mothers, but I have become quite capable and able to raise my beautiful son. He has given me the strength, even on those very dark days and nights I have experienced just this past year when niether the sun nor the moon seemed to be shining, to keep going and to do the necessary every day chores between the four walls of our apartment that have seen and heard so much since my son has inhabited within them: the death of two significant and oh-so-frighteningly-similar relationships, a mother's tears and fears, and a woman's longings and desires. He has become such a joy to observe and interact with, his new words, including 'mama,' delight and entice my maternal ears every single day and just seeing him run around the apartment makes my heart dance in pride. We've come a long way together, and yes, I can now say, with conviction, that I AM a good mother. Going to therapy, something I would have NEVER done before due to my abhorrence of therapists, helped me quite a lot in battling the often bogus expectations I once held as to who or what I should be as a mother. And so, going to therapy is also something that I am quite happy about because I slayed the demons and dragons holding me back from having such a helpful experience.
I have also become a more confident cook, adding new recipes to my once bleak repertoire and being able to put together new and often wonderful meals with on-hand ingredients rather than having to follow a specific recipe. I even filled my standing freezer this summer with a bunch of homemade meals that I would assemble and cook before and while Zach was napping - ok, the lentil soup came out WAY too spicy, and the brocoli puree I made burnt the shit out of my wrist while I was blending it, leaving a battle scar that will forever remind my of my culinary forrays, but still, a lot of what I did make was actually REALLY good.
I became a blue belt in karate, the night before my 30th birthday, able to take the punches and kicks thrown at me while remaining on the defensive... my fighting style mimicking my lifestyle, always remaining on the defensive and only blocking or defending myself rather than being the attacker.
I inched myself a little closer to my own personal ideal of beauty, having my skin inked and marked to cover the invisible scars that only my jaded eyes can see... adding a mermaid to cover an idiotic mark of devotion and love, and stars to mark all of my accomplishments... I also recently shaved off all of my lank and limp blonde hair in order to release myself from the confines of imposed feminine beauty... the experience of shaving my own hair off completely was quite terrifying, but once it was done and I was looking at all of the dead hair in the towel-covered sink, I had never felt freer and better.
I became a student in the health field, going into the same line of work as both of my parents and finally feeling as though I was where I needed to be, getting into the transcription et secretariat medicale program at O'Sullivan College courtesy of Emploi Québec; however, not being sufficiently prepared and missing too many classes due in part to my son having begun daycare in August, I decided to abandon the program until a later date... so it is a 'to be continued' rather than an complete abandonment.
I began dating again... although without much success and acquiring too many stitches on my already broken heart... but hey, I was out there again, making myself sexy and trying my damnedest to make rotten new relationships into something they were clearly not...
I also started a new blog for struggling single mothers like me, sharing my joys, woes and troubles with other mothers and hoping to create an environment in which this novel public could also publish their own stories... I approached various organizations which have agreed to be freely advertised on my site so that new single moms could also get the help that I was either missing or got too late...
So, I grew into or donned the roles of:
Mother
Patient
Cook
Blue-belt Karateka
Beautiful Femme Fatale (with a shaved head, tattoos and piercings)
Student
Lover
Blogger
And yes, I have made MANY mistakes this past year, but I know where I went wrong and I recognize all of my faults AND qualities... to toot a cheesy Kelly Clarkson song 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...' would be THE understatement of 2013...
After spending an almost sleepless New Year's Eve night by myself, polishing off a bottle of Gallo, wearing my star onesie pj, singing, dancing and crying to Imagine Dragon's 'Hear Me,' One Republic's 'Counting Stars' and Lady Gaga's 'Do What You Want With My Body,' I realized that the only person I can really count on is myself... and yes, this recognition hurt like Hell... like a punch in the face I thought I had blocked... but, there it is.
I am still the person I was when I first started this blog, but perhaps a little wiser, smarter, and edgier - my heart is still beating in my chest and hoping against all odds that I WILL find a man with whom I will share my life and now my beautiful son, and I still believe in the best and goodness of every single asshole, bitch and individual I meet, whether I spend 5 minutes, an hour or a week with them...
So, this female Humpty Dumpty will be put back together and will be glued and stitched and sewed to keep all of her pieces from falling apart again, but without any help from any foolish king's men...
Any definite plans for 2014? Not really, but I do have a lot of ideas and, my life being like a modern Canadian Pandora's box, the demons, evils, and injustices have escaped and run their course, now all there is left is hope, which my heart and soul cling to.
I thought I had my shit figured out, and yet queries as to who I am and what it is that I need and want, which are two VERY different and often opposing forces, still rattle within the confines of my skull...
The things I DID accomplish shall now be viewed instead of the many mistakes I have made along this often frightening journey we wise humans have named Life...
I have unfolded into and filled my role as the mother, albeit not without many growing pains, I had once dreamed I would actually be and I am very proud of myself for this. Of course, I am NOT perfect, and no mother is, despite what many mommy's boys shall loyally insist upon about their own mothers, but I have become quite capable and able to raise my beautiful son. He has given me the strength, even on those very dark days and nights I have experienced just this past year when niether the sun nor the moon seemed to be shining, to keep going and to do the necessary every day chores between the four walls of our apartment that have seen and heard so much since my son has inhabited within them: the death of two significant and oh-so-frighteningly-similar relationships, a mother's tears and fears, and a woman's longings and desires. He has become such a joy to observe and interact with, his new words, including 'mama,' delight and entice my maternal ears every single day and just seeing him run around the apartment makes my heart dance in pride. We've come a long way together, and yes, I can now say, with conviction, that I AM a good mother. Going to therapy, something I would have NEVER done before due to my abhorrence of therapists, helped me quite a lot in battling the often bogus expectations I once held as to who or what I should be as a mother. And so, going to therapy is also something that I am quite happy about because I slayed the demons and dragons holding me back from having such a helpful experience.
I have also become a more confident cook, adding new recipes to my once bleak repertoire and being able to put together new and often wonderful meals with on-hand ingredients rather than having to follow a specific recipe. I even filled my standing freezer this summer with a bunch of homemade meals that I would assemble and cook before and while Zach was napping - ok, the lentil soup came out WAY too spicy, and the brocoli puree I made burnt the shit out of my wrist while I was blending it, leaving a battle scar that will forever remind my of my culinary forrays, but still, a lot of what I did make was actually REALLY good.
I became a blue belt in karate, the night before my 30th birthday, able to take the punches and kicks thrown at me while remaining on the defensive... my fighting style mimicking my lifestyle, always remaining on the defensive and only blocking or defending myself rather than being the attacker.
I inched myself a little closer to my own personal ideal of beauty, having my skin inked and marked to cover the invisible scars that only my jaded eyes can see... adding a mermaid to cover an idiotic mark of devotion and love, and stars to mark all of my accomplishments... I also recently shaved off all of my lank and limp blonde hair in order to release myself from the confines of imposed feminine beauty... the experience of shaving my own hair off completely was quite terrifying, but once it was done and I was looking at all of the dead hair in the towel-covered sink, I had never felt freer and better.
I became a student in the health field, going into the same line of work as both of my parents and finally feeling as though I was where I needed to be, getting into the transcription et secretariat medicale program at O'Sullivan College courtesy of Emploi Québec; however, not being sufficiently prepared and missing too many classes due in part to my son having begun daycare in August, I decided to abandon the program until a later date... so it is a 'to be continued' rather than an complete abandonment.
I began dating again... although without much success and acquiring too many stitches on my already broken heart... but hey, I was out there again, making myself sexy and trying my damnedest to make rotten new relationships into something they were clearly not...
I also started a new blog for struggling single mothers like me, sharing my joys, woes and troubles with other mothers and hoping to create an environment in which this novel public could also publish their own stories... I approached various organizations which have agreed to be freely advertised on my site so that new single moms could also get the help that I was either missing or got too late...
So, I grew into or donned the roles of:
Mother
Patient
Cook
Blue-belt Karateka
Beautiful Femme Fatale (with a shaved head, tattoos and piercings)
Student
Lover
Blogger
And yes, I have made MANY mistakes this past year, but I know where I went wrong and I recognize all of my faults AND qualities... to toot a cheesy Kelly Clarkson song 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...' would be THE understatement of 2013...
After spending an almost sleepless New Year's Eve night by myself, polishing off a bottle of Gallo, wearing my star onesie pj, singing, dancing and crying to Imagine Dragon's 'Hear Me,' One Republic's 'Counting Stars' and Lady Gaga's 'Do What You Want With My Body,' I realized that the only person I can really count on is myself... and yes, this recognition hurt like Hell... like a punch in the face I thought I had blocked... but, there it is.
I am still the person I was when I first started this blog, but perhaps a little wiser, smarter, and edgier - my heart is still beating in my chest and hoping against all odds that I WILL find a man with whom I will share my life and now my beautiful son, and I still believe in the best and goodness of every single asshole, bitch and individual I meet, whether I spend 5 minutes, an hour or a week with them...
So, this female Humpty Dumpty will be put back together and will be glued and stitched and sewed to keep all of her pieces from falling apart again, but without any help from any foolish king's men...
Any definite plans for 2014? Not really, but I do have a lot of ideas and, my life being like a modern Canadian Pandora's box, the demons, evils, and injustices have escaped and run their course, now all there is left is hope, which my heart and soul cling to.
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