2013: A Retrospective Glance

Yet another year has passed me by, at first seeming as though it would never end, and then whizzing past me like the Metro when I have just breathlessly run down the stairs and missed it... I've gone through the wringer not once, but again and again more than just a few times, like a well-worn flannel shirt wrung through those ancient laundry devices, pressed and flattened to take out all of the moisture, and yet in my case, it has been my essence instead of water, leaking and oozing out through the fibres of my skin onto the freezing, unforgiving and bare floor.  I built myself up again by gathering the shattered pieces of my soul, and yet I blindly let myself be toppled over by others or foolishly blew my own castle of cards down in desperation or hopelessness... a female version of Humpty Dumpty that has not quite been mended after her great fall...
I thought I had my shit figured out, and yet queries as to who I am and what it is that I need and want, which are two VERY different and often opposing forces, still rattle within the confines of my skull...
The things I DID accomplish shall now be viewed instead of the many mistakes I have made along this often frightening journey we wise humans have named Life...
I have unfolded into and filled my role as the mother, albeit not without many growing pains, I had once dreamed I would actually be and I am very proud of myself for this.  Of course, I am NOT perfect, and no mother is, despite what many mommy's boys shall loyally insist upon about their own mothers, but I have become quite capable and able to raise my beautiful son.  He has given me the strength, even on those very dark days and nights I have experienced just this past year when niether the sun nor the moon seemed to be shining, to keep going and to do the necessary every day chores between the four walls of our apartment that have seen and heard so much since my son has inhabited within them: the death of two significant and oh-so-frighteningly-similar relationships, a mother's tears and fears, and a woman's longings and desires.  He has become such a joy to observe and interact with, his new words, including 'mama,' delight and entice my maternal ears every single day and just seeing him run around the apartment makes my heart dance in pride.  We've come a long way together, and yes, I can now say, with conviction, that I AM a good mother.  Going to therapy, something I would have NEVER done before due to my abhorrence of therapists, helped me quite a lot in battling the often bogus expectations I once held as to who or what I should be as a mother.  And so, going to therapy is also something that I am quite happy about because I slayed the demons and dragons holding me back from having such a helpful experience.
I have also become a more confident cook, adding new recipes to my once bleak repertoire and being able to put together new and often wonderful meals with on-hand ingredients rather than having to follow a specific recipe.  I even filled my standing freezer this summer with a bunch of homemade meals that I would assemble and cook before and while Zach was napping - ok, the lentil soup came out WAY too spicy, and the brocoli puree I made burnt the shit out of my wrist while I was blending it, leaving a battle scar that will forever remind my of my culinary forrays, but still, a lot of what I did make was actually REALLY good.
I became a blue belt in karate, the night before my 30th birthday, able to take the punches and kicks thrown at me while remaining on the defensive... my fighting style mimicking my lifestyle, always remaining on the defensive and only blocking or defending myself rather than being the attacker.
I inched myself a little closer to my own personal ideal of beauty, having my skin inked and marked to cover the invisible scars that only my jaded eyes can see... adding a mermaid to cover an idiotic mark of devotion and love, and stars to mark all of my accomplishments... I also recently shaved off all of my lank and limp blonde hair in order to release myself from the confines of imposed feminine beauty... the experience of shaving my own hair off completely was quite terrifying, but once it was done and I was looking at all of the dead hair in the towel-covered sink, I had never felt freer and better.
I became a student in the health field, going into the same line of work as both of my parents and finally feeling as though I was where I needed to be, getting into the transcription et secretariat medicale program at O'Sullivan College courtesy of Emploi Québec;  however, not being sufficiently prepared and missing too many classes due in part to my son having begun daycare in August, I decided to abandon the program until a later date... so it is a 'to be continued' rather than an complete abandonment.
I began dating again... although without much success and acquiring too many stitches on my already broken heart... but hey, I was out there again, making myself sexy and trying my damnedest to make rotten new relationships into something they were clearly not...
I also started a new blog for struggling single mothers like me, sharing my joys, woes and troubles with other mothers and hoping to create an environment in which this novel public could also publish their own stories... I approached various organizations which have agreed to be freely advertised on my site so that new single moms could also get the help that I was either missing or got too late... 
So, I grew into or donned the roles of:
Mother
Patient
Cook
Blue-belt Karateka
Beautiful Femme Fatale (with a shaved head, tattoos and piercings)
Student
Lover
Blogger
And yes, I have made MANY mistakes this past year, but I know where I went wrong and I recognize all of my faults AND qualities... to toot a cheesy Kelly Clarkson song 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...' would be THE understatement of 2013...
After spending an almost sleepless New Year's Eve night by myself, polishing off a bottle of Gallo, wearing my star onesie pj, singing, dancing and crying to Imagine Dragon's 'Hear Me,' One Republic's 'Counting Stars' and Lady Gaga's 'Do What You Want With My Body,' I realized that the only person I can really count on is myself... and yes, this recognition hurt like Hell... like a punch in the face I thought I had blocked... but, there it is.
I am still the person I was when I first started this blog, but perhaps a little wiser, smarter, and edgier - my heart is still beating in my chest and hoping against all odds that I WILL find a man with whom I will share my life and now my beautiful son, and I still believe in the best and goodness of every single asshole, bitch and individual I meet, whether I spend 5 minutes, an hour or a week with them...
So, this female Humpty Dumpty will be put back together and will be glued and stitched and sewed to keep all of her pieces from falling apart again, but without any help from any foolish king's men...
Any definite plans for 2014?  Not really, but I do have a lot of ideas and, my life being like a modern Canadian Pandora's box, the demons, evils, and injustices have escaped and run their course, now all there is left is hope, which my heart and soul cling to.

Baa Baa Black Sheep...

For the first time in my adult life, after thirteen years of having graduated from my wonderful high school (hear the sarcasm people), I have become the black sheep of my class and I feel as though I have been transported back into that time when I was often the last chosen on a team for gym class, or when I was happiest reading my many books while the rest of my classmates looked at their pagers or gossiped about everyone else or their clubbing adventures... and man oh man does it ever hurt.

I believe that I am by nature a pretty happy person - and until very recently, this has not really been the case... I have my baby boy to thank in part for this massive change in attitude and lifestyle;  he has enabled me to begin cherishing and appreciating our and my life to a much higher degree since about January.

I have also been the benefactress of a great gift bestowed upon me by my maternal grandfather, who loved other people so much that he knew the names of every single person on his street;  as a result of my seeing him interact with others, and perhaps due to an innate quality of mine, I am often the recipient of many life stories shared on a bus or metro, or I am the giver of hugs, smiles and words of encouragement.  I am also a born leader, and I never shy away from taking control in any given situation.  Consequently, I had been voted class president, and I had done my duty above and beyond what had been expected of me... until I was demoted by a general class mutiny.

But why?  And imagine this being asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.  Well, due to some unfortunate absences caused by the new germs acquired by my son at daycare, and due to my own negligence and stubborness, I have missed a lot of classes.  Also, due to some kind of wormhole established in my house or right outside my door, the time between when I wake up and when I get to school completely vanishes so that I am left running breathlessly to my morning classes EVERY single day.  Thus, I am NOT a class favorite... far from being the class favorite in fact.

Now, rather than go into further details, I just wish that people would adopt the following mantra:

 

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH

And let others do the same.

 

I have been warned for my misbehaviour, and I know where I have been in the wrong or not, so I am trying very hard to remedy the situation - but what happens to me and in my life does not regard anyone else BUT me...

Jospeh and Greg

Taking a few moments to talk with or listen to another human being can change your day in the most magnificent way possible.  I had the privilege of meeting and speaking with two incredible individuals last week and I wish to share these two encounters with you.
The first occured on the Metro, on my way home to be with my beautiful baby boy.  A grey-haired man wearing a grey and yellow wind-breaker stepped on and uncerimoniously sat down next me, and I smiled as he did so.  As my Ipod blared an old Nelly Furtado song in my ears, I noticed that this man was still glancing my way, so I quickly pressed pause and grinned back.  Our converstaion began with his asking if I was going to work, and it unfolded into my talking about Zach and asking him a few questions to which he answered child-like and innocently;  pretty soon, I was showing him a picture of Zach and he sweetly asked me if I would take his picture, which I did and have kept on my phone.  As my station was approaching, he gallantly told me that I was as pretty as a flower and that I had a beautiful smile, to which I responded with two quick kisses on both his scratchy beard-covered cheeks before happily trotting off the Metro.
The second occurred at the corner of Peel and Ste. Catherine, when I heard the notes of a guitar being plucked by yet another grey-haired but this time, bandanna-clad man, sitting on a tiny stool with his guitar poised on his knees.  I decided to stop and listen, singing along to the songs I know, and he acquiesced to my request of Joe Cocker's A Little Help from my Friends.  We chatted a bit about love, his blue eyes twinkling as he charmingly flirted with me, a young woman half his age, while he confessed that young women are not interested in him while old women his age are too serious for his young and childish heart.  We chatted about life, and money and sang a few more songs together before we formally introduced ourselves and I gave him a big bear hug.  Then, I made my way to the Metro while he also went on his merry way, his guitar slung on his shoulder and his little seat resting in the crook of his arm.
What binds all of us together, our commonality, is that we are all human, no matter what nationality, culture, religion, social status, gender or age... and this fact is so easy to forget as we go about our daily business and we become obsessed with what we think we need and deserve. 

Smiling at Strangers

In this individualistic world in which everyone's eyes stare down at the cigarette-butt littered and gum-splattered sidewalks and only furtively glance up so as not to run into a person or object, as they impatiently and hurriedly make their way to the various obligations awaiting them, where are the humanitarian gazes?
Smiling at someone as the individual passes you by is completely free, only takes a moment, and will perhaps make his or her day better.  So why isn't everyone offering this free and magnificent gift to anyone who strolls passed them?
Moreover, why is a person SO surprised when a grin is offered to them?  An initial look of shock flashes through the stranger's facial features until, if you are lucky, a reflective smirk robs their lips of its initial grimace.
Thus, I say cross the self-imposed barriers people have erected in front of themselves and be the first to make a human contact with another human being... see what happens... might make YOU feel better as well.

Fierce

Unleashing my Inner Bitch

Somewhere on our way to Ottawa, on an uncrowded bus, the inner bitch that is always just underneath my prickly sweet surface, was unleashed, unbeknown to all of the poor individuals who would feel her wrath for the rest of the weekend.  I felt an almost imperceptible change come over me and decided to go with it.

I believe that all of us have an inner bitch - for some, like my friends Steph and Paul, it is easier for the bitch to remain present in their daily lives.  These individuals hold people at bay and wait for a reason to trust others, so their bitches are constantly there.  While for others, like me, this interior bitch always remains hidden since I interact with individuals with my heart wide open and I trust them from the very beginning.  Both manners of interaction can be detrimental: the first does not always allow you to become close to others, but you do protect yourself, while the other allows you to become close to others very quickly, but you can get very hurt time and time again.  Thus, I decided to experiment this weekend: instead of suffocating the words that usually keep bubbling to the surface, but that I unceremoniously pop, I let them loose.  Made snide comments all of the time to my audience of one and these were laughed at and enjoyed.  And I felt liberated, free as a bird and unusually happy. 

The bitch was ever more present on Sunday after having watched a silly chick flick and being thrown into a strange head space as a result.  Steph and I decided to sit outside for a while before meeting our friend Caro for a much needed drink.  So, there we were, sitting by ourselves, smoking, talking and singing our hearts out to Adele, Florence and the Machine and Coldplay, minding our own business, not wanting anyone to meddle in ours and sitting on the steps leading to the Timmy's at Concordia.  A slight rain creating sparkling beads on the strands of both of our hair, dampening our spirits further while wetting our feet.  A man approached us, slurring his words while attempting to compliment me and normally, I would smile patiently and listen to whatever he would have had to say, but not that night.  I cut him off, telling him that tonight it was just between girls - and when he tried again, I told him that I was a lesbian and that I was not interested, hoping that that would turn him away.  And yet no, he insisted - so, I got mean, told him, "Ecoute monsieur, nous ne sommes vraiment pas interessees, donc bonne soiree" with a forced and yet purposeful smile.  When he began to talk again, I cut him off with another more determined "Bonne soiree monsieur" and then watched as he walked away, defeated.  I did not want to be bothered by anyone, much less a drunken stranger and here I was letting him know that.

Thought I would have felt better once he was gone, but, truth be told, I felt worse and guilty.  Perhaps this man was just a lonely soul who needed to talk to someone and here I was denying him that comfort, however brief it might have been.  You see the trouble with unleashing your inner bitch is that you end up denying other people their humanity.  Everyone, as a good friend of mine has realized, wants two things: to belong and to contribute.  So, who am I to deny anyone their wish to belong or to be comforted?     

Blue Met Highlights

I have lived the most amazing, but intense, last six days of my whole life.  I had the best volunteers, met the best tech team and had the most amazing assistant ever!!
Here are some of the highlights of the festival for me:

1) Learning that there would be henna on the first night... going down to where she was stationed, near the salle de bal, but not being able to sit with her for the amount of time she required to do my arm... going back to see her to ask her if she would kindly come to the volunteer suite to do my arm there - and she actually came up because she could not get over my enthusiasm!  She is so kind and has such a beautiful soul!  She did such a wonderful job too!  That was the one thing I wanted to do during the festival, and it happened!

2) Joking around that people might fall into the little fish-infested pond located in the lobby of the Holiday Inn Select and then learning that it actually did happen... FIVE times - I only wish I had been there to see it happen all five times!

3) Sharing a very hearty breakfast with the tech boys on the majority of my early mornings at the hotel - became addicted to the bacon, eggs, sausages, potatoes and tiny pastries served every morning :)  Could not start my day without it.


 4) Joking around and talking about men with my incredible assistant Maya - what a fantastic woman!  We had so much fun together!

5) Giving at least seven massages... and getting perhaps three back... but I enjoyed giving them more than anything else :)  Seeing one of the tech boys stretched out on four or five of our very hard and uncomfortable chairs, how could I resist? ;)

6) Seeing the smiling faces of my volunteers when I made my rounds and giving them high fives and/or hugs while I was passing through.  I nicknamed myself "la bebite a calins", aka "the hugbug".

7) Being told that I had some fine "gilets" and not knowing what that means in French slang...

8) Spending some time with my pals, Ana, Manu, Evelyn and Row while at the festival - made my days when they were there.

9) Meeting a very young volunteer that is absolutely too cute for words.

10) Telling an amazing volunteer, a very tall man with a very sexy accent, what to do and seeing him leave with a smile and a quick step - he was ready to help with anything!  What an incredible volunteer!

11) Transferring energy with a veteran volunteer that has such a calming effect on the whole Blue Met team because she has been with us forever.  She is the coolest woman on the planet!

12) Getting a VERY cute man to volunteer... just so I could see him again!  And he actually accepted!

13) Telling a seemingly prudish volunteer to go grab Alex's wet balls from the pond :)  The decorator had gotten some plastic globes that lit-up and had placed them in the pond - the volunteer needed to go and fish them out... telling her to bring a towel for Alex's big wet balls... classic dirty humor for those who can appreciate it.

14) Listening to all of the stupidities being said on the walkies and cracking a few jokes myself.  Hearing the boys mutter and curse on the walkies because they were missing the game!

15) Meeting Alex's boys - his sugar gliders and potentially being offered a baby-sitting gig when him and his Marie-Eve go out of town :)

16) Dealing with absent volunteers and five room changes - meaning that I had to re-organize my WHOLE schedule TWENTY minutes before the first events were set to start... and being surprised by my own level-headedness and efficiency.

17) Learning that I was in charge of a room with fifteen minutes to go before the discussion was about to start... and actually pulling it off.

18) Eating all day, every single day :)  Just munching and munching away - I think I have gained ten pounds !!

19) Meeting Dennis Trudeau :)  He came into the volunteer suite looking for some snacks - well, the volunteer suite was THE place to be for that :)

20) Getting the party started on the first night - of course, where there is M-E, there is a party :)