Let me be completely honest here and admit that this holiday season has been pretty difficult for me thus far. Thoughts of what we, as a couple, were going to do together starting this year swirl in my head like melted whipped cream in a cup of hot cocoa.
I keep thinking of all the great company and wonderful food I am missing at the moment: his nonna, his aunt and uncle, his mother, father and sister that were like my own family and the coquille Saint-Jacques and the cheese and sausage stuffed crepes cannelloni his mother has made every Christmas. Crawling into bed at the end of the night, completely stuffed and just drunk enough to drift blissfully off to sleep curled and wound around each other after having exchanged a few drowsy but loving words.
We were going to put up our very own Christmas tree this year in my apartment with the ornaments we bought last year, we were going to start buying each other a new Christmas ornament every year and, lastly, we were going to annually commence watching Christmas themed movies together. So, seeing couples walking around doing their Christmas shopping together frays my already weathered thoughts and the constant drone of Christmas carols playing in the mall makes me slightly nostalgic... ok, very nostalgic. My tree has been up for about a week now or more, but a lack of motivation and metal hooks has left its branches bare except for two amazing greeting cards I got from my two girlfriends.
My mind, even though it keeps mentally rewinding time, is also trekking over hills, sluggishly flowing rivers, barren trees, snow-covered fields and snow-capped mountains, speculating, deliberating, analyzing, pondering... thinking of what was and what could potentially be. Wondering if the same thoughts are racing through his mind while at the same time assuming that no, he is not thinking of me, even in the slightest, small and insignificant manner. I picture his smile and imagine his laugh while at the same time ordering myself to focus on other things... and then mentally kicking myself when I cannot.
Thus, while I am being haunted by ghosts of Christmases past and teased by possible future visions, I am also very aware that I need to focus on the present moment even though I am awkwardly sandwiched between two very different worlds and very opposing desires. In order to remain in the present time, I have decided to start my own traditions thereby creating and enabling brand sparkling new memories to occupy that space between my ears.
One such tradition is having a Christmas potluck with my ladies - wine, good food, excellent company and lots of idle chatter, but absolutely no men allowed. Dressing up and playing hostess to my wonderful and hilarious girlfriends and not having burned the house down while having attempted to cook them some edible dishes is something that I will now look forward to every year. I have also decided that Christmas day will no longer be spent gorging mindlessly on food, but will rather be enjoyed by giving and devoting my time to feeding those much less fortunate than I; my family might even join me next year. Christmas breakfast with the family has also been introduced into my life and theirs so that the rest of the day can be spent in a much nobler and aforementioned manner.
I will also, at some point this week, when I have gotten those bloody hooks, bravely hang all of my ornaments on my naked and pathetic-looking tree while taking the time to reflect on my present circumstances rather than on those passed and those that are yet to, or might never even, happen.
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